Cheese Pretzels

"Homework" exercise for my writing group. We had to write in any way we wanted on the subject of FOOD.


I am a bit fat. I know I am a bit fat. And to be honest most of the time it doesn’t bother me. I don’t feel too unhealthy, I try to keep fit and I also try to eat healthily. But I’m still a bit fat.

Recently, this has bothered me for a simple reason – a wedding. Not mine, I hasten to add, but my best friend’s. My best friend’s wedding. Dunkeld Cathedral. Athol Palace Hotel. Hundreds of guests. Big occasion. And I’m her bridesmaid. And I have to fit into a corset style outfit. Oh goodie.

So, as it always happens with me every couple of years, I make the commitment to get slimmer. Not slim – I’ll never be slim, and I wouldn’t want to be (I like my curves J). But I need to lose a bit.

Now, there is a simple truth about losing weight. All the books, plans, clubs in the world that try to help you with slimming – underneath it all, the truth is YOU HAVE TO EAT LESS AND EXERCISE MORE. End of story. No matter what they try to get you to believe – red days, green days, WW points, activity points, low carbs, no carbs, more fibre, less fat – you lose weight by eating less and exercising more. Sadly, there’s no quick fix – or certainly no quick fix that’s good for you.

And this is what I’m trying to do. The exercising has been surprisingly easy to get into becoming a habit. Thanks to Ms Davina McCall’s “Thirty Minute Workouts”, I am managing to actually enjoy working out at home. And I’ve started to see a bit of a difference.

The eating thing. Ah. That’s a slightly different story…

I am an utter food junkie. Eating and enjoying food is one of my major pastimes. I just love food. I love eating out. I love trying new things – and old favourites.

Now, if I cook at home, there’s no problem – I always cook healthily and never buy crap. However, I also have a tendency – a number of times a week – to just say “bugger it” and head out for a meal, or to the takeaway. Not only is this not helping the bridesmaid dress struggle, but it’s also not too good for the bank balance.

And the other struggle, of course, is snacking. I try to have only healthy snacks in the house, but who wants carrot sticks and salsa when you know – and everyone knows – that the only thing that’ll satisfy you at that 10pm-in-front-of-the-tv-with-a-glass-of-wine-in-your-hand stage of the night is a dirty big bag of Kettle Chips or a few slices of toast, thickly spread with butter and jam, or a couple of cheese and pickle toasties…

So, snacking is another downfall. But I believe I have found the answer…

Cheese pretzels.

I honestly believe I have found my ultimate munchie in the form of Penn State cheese pretzels. Now, I’m not saying these are healthy – they’re not. But the point is (and, yes, I know I may be deluding myself somewhat – but bear with me..) they are at least healthier than normal crisps – they have much less fat for a start. Let’s not discuss salt content for now.

So, I’ve found a crisp substitute that’s lower in fat and calories by quite a margin. Now, normally, we all know that the healthier option is rarely the tastier one – let’s think about low fat cheese, low fat oven chips, light mayo, “healthy choice” sandwiches (healthier simply, because they are about half the size of a normal one…). None of these are as satisfying as their full fat, high calorie cousins. Be honest.

But, the thing about my cheese pretzel friends is that they are simply bloody delicious. I love them. I love everything about them. I love the smell as you open the pack; I love the crunchy, biscuity texture and the way they go gooey as you munch and stick in between your teeth; I love the tangy, salty taste as you lick the coating off each tiny, perfectly formed pretzel one by one; I love the fact that the cheesy salty coating covers your fingers and you can lick it all off. As I said, I am close to being obsessed with my new snack love.

There is, however, one downside. And it’s a significant one. The main supermarkets have stopped selling them.

No, this is not a joke. I used to go to Asda’s as usual and drop a couple of the joyous yellow packets into my trolley without a care in the world. Then, one day about 2 months ago, I turned into the crisps and snack aisle to be faced with a shelf full of Penn State pretzels – but only the basic salted flavour. No cheesy ones in site. No “Sorry we’re out of stock” stickers. Nothing. Gone.

The next time I went shopping, it was Morrison’s. They at least had the Sour Cream and Chive flavour – which are pretty good, kind of a poor but almost-acceptable-if-needs be substitute. Still no cheesy ones.

Tesco’s. Only the salted ones.

Sainsbury’s. Even worse. They only stock their own make pretzels! Pah!

After weeks of this disappointment, I had to resign myself to the fact that my love affair with my little cheesy friends was over. The search would have to continue to find a healthy(ish) snack to fulfil my cravings and not seriously put my weight loss plan in jeopardy.

Saturday night. A few gins on. Nothing in the fridge for dinner. Takeaway? No – too unhealthy and expensive. I suggested I popped round to Scotmid (horrid little supermarket on Easter Road that depresses me as soon as I enter it…) to get something to slam in the oven.

I wandered round the small and sorry-looking aisles (it was after 9pm on a Saturday night and most of the stock had been decimated) looking for inspiration for dinner. Remembering I had a tub of salsa in the fridge I though I’d treat myself to some tortilla chips. I looked at the varieties. Nothing was exciting me looking at those shelves. Since the end of the cheesy pretzel pleasure, snack shelves just didn’t excite me much anymore.

For some reason, I looked up to the top shelf.

If I was a religious person, I would almost have said there was an angelic glow coming from that top shelf. Although maybe it was the gin.

But, sure enough, my eyes were not deceiving me. Penn State Cheese Pretzels. In Scotmid. On Easter Road. The pleasure I felt was immeasurable and I was glad that the shop was quiet and noone was around to witness my inane grin.

Is it pathetic that such a simple thing as finding a variety of heavily salted snack food in your local supermarket makes your weekend?

The answer, of course, is yes. But pathetic or not, my little bundles of cheesy joy are now nestling safely in my cupboard, ready for the next snack attack.

I only hope I can ration them a bit this time…